Being Human (UK), Series 4, Episode 2: What you didn't miss

We join the action after Hal (the new vampire) has inexplicably gone back to the antique dealer's shop to give him a good exsanguninating. Naturally, this disrupts the flow of the story and undermines the impact of the previous scene at the antique shop, but hey! They need to pad this one out to an hour's length.

Tom (the new werewolf) and Annie (the phantom tealady) pursue the errant vampire, having made no attempt to keep an eye on the blood-drinking stranger who's only just moved in and nearly ate Eve the baby in the last two minutes. To cut a long story short, Hal and Tom end up having a Mexican stand-off with a stake and a shotgun while Annie engages in a 'leave it ar-r-r-t! He ain't worth it!' monologue.

ANNIE: STOP IT! STOP IT! God, men are such wankers! Anyway, I'm going to defuse this tense situation by belittling and guilt-tripping you both!

HAL: Oh for fuck's sake.

TOM: Yeah, put a fucking sock in it, Mrs. Doyle.

ANNIE: What?

HAL: Well, you have to admit you are full of shit.

TOM: Yeah, I mean he's a monster all of the time and I turn into one every full moon. You've pretty much dodged the bullet AND acquired Super Saiyan-level spook powers that you're too much of a sexist stereotype to actually use... Isn't it a bit rich to treat two people facing unimaginable torment like little boys, especially when you've got it comparatively easy?

HAL: Oh, and shall I mention Mitchell?

ANNIE: He killed all those people in the box tunnel! He tainted us all with his crime!

TOM: Hurhurhurhurhur... She said 'taint'.

HAL: I know - taint!

TOM & HAL: Hurhurhurhurhur...

HAL: But as I was saying, he was sharing his house with two exceptionally naive and stupid werewolves who had any number of potential Box Car 20 massacres in them, especially if the chicken trick stopped working, and a ghost who should have crossed over when her door appeared. Instead of doing that, she chose to live on in a ghastly parody of life, going against Nature itself. I mean, you're accusing him of taint?

ANNIE: RIGHT! I'M GOING TO START SHOUTING YOU DOWN NOW BECAUSE THAT IS THE LIMIT OF DRAMA ON BBC 3!

HAL: Oh Christ, are we still on BBC 3?

TOM: Yeah, we haven't been able to make the all-important leap onto BBC 2.

HAL: Oh pissflaps. Anyway, you were perfectly happy to be friends and lovers with Mitchell before all this, even though it was plain he'd killed more people than you've met beforehand...

ANNIE: But I thought he'd changed!

TOM: People don't change that easily. Thinking they do is how you got killed in the first place. Who made you spokesghost for the bereaved anyway?

HAL: And besides, he went into purgatory to retrieve your spectral arse from hell and saved both George and Nina from CenSSA. Got a short memory, have we? And he wouldn't have lost it in Series 2 if you and George hadn't been caught up in your own nonsense. Speaking from experience, we vampires need lots of support and supervision - but you know that too.

TOM: Yeah, and then there are the blokes with ropes and sticks. Why ARE they after you, Annie?

ANNIE: I'm just going to bluster now and emote because no one has been arsed to write me properly since 2010!

HAL: Yes, so you're an enormous hypocrite.

TOM: And you're not a very nice person, either. You try to use my Dad against me, but you couldn't be bothered to contact your Mum until Series 2. And you basically conned Hal's best mate into thinking you could cure him just so you could delude your grief away. AND THEN you have the bleeding cheek to invoke both their memories in order to make us feel very guilty.

ANNIE: Well, it's worked, hasn't it?

TOM: Only 'cos the script's crap.

ANNIE: Oh.

HAL: And the worst of it is that you encapsulate everything wrong with how female characters are written in this show, and indeed most genre/cult TV. They're either bitches, victims or morons. Sometimes all three.

ANNIE: YOU LEAVE NINA OUT OF THIS!

HAL: And the worst of it is that you're the lead female character in this show and you're still alternating between being the Snarf and the Pauline Fowler of the piece. It's all verging on misoginy.

TOM: Yeah, and the ghost-from-the-future crap, where Eve 2032 AD is trying to kill herself as a baby. What a load of arse!

HAL: Yes, it's recycling the Leah storyline from last series with copious amounts of Terminator. It's like they're not even trying any more.

TOM: That bastard Damon Salvatore keeps ringing us up to take the piss!

HAL: And the worst of it is that we've had a show whose first two series were simply amazing. But then Being Human lost its way when it got chased out by BBC Bristol. Meanwhile, the central dynamic of the three flatmates was being ditched alongside the unique kitchen sink element. Naturally, key members of the cast started fucking off when they saw the writing on the wall... And has the downward spiral that took root in Series 3 been stopped? Hell no - the shark's been jumped and the show's turning into a far-fetched cartoon.

ANNIE: Well,maybe I should just find another door to walk through...

HAL: But that's not the point. You can be a great character. You really can soar. When Lenora Crichlow's actually got something to do, she rips the set up. But she's stuck playing a cartoon character and there's no sign that it's going to improve.

TOM: Anyway, I don't want to kill you any more, Hal.

HAL: Well, neither of us were really going to kill the other - that's obvious. There's not even tension any more and it's getting very predictable, a lot like the story arcs.

TOM: Shall we go home and watch the Real Hustle?

HAL: Yes, but you're doing the washing-up!

TOM: Is it me, or does Eve's face keep changing in every shot?

[All exeunt to the sound of inappropriate comedy music.]

NEXT WEEK: Aidan Turner gets killed in The Hobbit too.